Etiquette: Talking to a Pregnant Woman

I am almost halfway through my pregnancy (19 weeks now) and feel the need to write about etiquette for conversation with pregnant women.

I’ve had many weeks of conversation with people who want to talk about my pregnancy.  Sometimes these people are wonderfully supportive and I love talking to them. I love talking about my pregnancy.  Sometimes I feel like people need some guidance on how to best talk to today’s young pregnant woman.

The people who, in my opinion, need help are usually caring and genuine people with no idea about what is appropriate to say and often say things that fall outside of, say, Sheldon Cooper’s non-optional social conventions.  I don’t begrudge these people; their comments come from a place of curiosity and kindness (I hope).  My mother may not corroborate that statement as when I call her to rant she tells me that I sound like my adolescent self (blame the hormones!).

If you’ve ever had someone in your life suffer the death of a loved one, the bereaved person often says that people make crazy comments to them all of the time.  With pregnant women, the situation is along the same line.  People want to say something; they just don’t know what to say.

So let me be of assistance.  Here is my top-10 lists of things that one should and should not say to today’s young, pregnant woman.

What Not to Say:

Never tell a pregnant woman that she looks huge.  Never. Ever.

Unless you are an obstetrician, and specifically that woman’s obstetrician, refrain from offering your opinion about how much weight she has gained or has not gained.

“You’re so big so fast!” Those are words that you should not speak out loud.

Whilst staring at a baby bump, there’s no need to say, “You don’t even look pregnant.”  The woman did not look like that 19 weeks ago and she knows it.  Usually she’s relieved to finally look pregnant.

Our regular social customs in North America dictate that it’s not polite to tell a woman that you’ve been staring at her large breasts.   It’s still not polite in our North American society when a woman is pregnant.

Unless specifically requested to do so, please do not recount all of the gory or painful details of our own labor(s) to a pregnant woman.  Or other people’s scary labours. The pregnant woman is quite aware that the day will come when she will give birth to the baby she is carrying.  Your horror stories are of no help to her and it’s way too much information.

Additionally, the pregnant woman has already been unwillingly subjected to this exact conversation at least once a week, as it seems to be the most common thing that other mothers want to talk to mothers-to-be about.  The mother-to-be would like its unsolicited unpleasantness to stop.  Here are the people you can tell your labor horror stories to: ___.

Do not express your concern or skepticism about a pregnant woman’s decision to continue to run unless you are the obstetrician with whom she made that decision.  Note: spoken, facial expression and confused-sputtering skepticism count.

Unless specifically requested to do so, please do not reminisce about how unpleasant symptom “x” or list of symptoms lasted after the birth of your child.  The pregnant woman is quite aware that her body will give birth and that it won’t reassemble into perfect working order in 24 hours.

It’s not necessary to lecture a pregnant woman, especially during her first pregnancy, about how overwhelming having a newborn is or how big an adjustment it will be to care for an infant.  A first-time mom-to-be is aware that she is not currently caring for an infant with 24/7 needs and that her life will change when she begins to care for an infant with 24/7 needs.

Avoid steering the conversation like this:

“Are you excited!?”  Yes.

“Are you talking a whole year off?” Yes.

“Are you excited about a whole year off?”  Yes, I look forward to not working for a year.

“Oh, you’ll be working all right,” said in tone that implies that she knows something that the pregnant woman does not.

Let me tell you why you don’t need to do this, using my personal work situation. I work with youth and help them through… depression; anxiety; abusive families; abusive romantic partners; homophobic parents; thoughts of suicide; cutting; and a huge array of less serious and more joyful trials and tribulations of being a teenager. I understand that during my maternity leave, I will have a baby to look after and that some people might define this as work. When I say that I look forward to not working for a year, I simply mean that I look forward to not doing the above work that my current professional job demands. A pregnant woman is quite aware that she will not be lying a beach and visiting the spa for 12 months of her maternity leave.

Last but not least: Belly touching.  This is personal and will depend on the pregnant woman.  However, I’ll remind you that social norms do not allow you to randomly touch strangers’ bodies without first asking, pregnant or not.

Personally, I’ve developed what I call the High-Five Rule.  If we’ve ever exchanged a high-five, you may touch my belly.  If not, hands off.

Now that I’ve shared my list of pregnancy etiquette violations, here is a list of things that you should say to a pregnant woman:

What to Say:

Do compliment her baby bump using positive adjectives such as cute, sweet, beautiful etc.

Do compliment any aspect of her appearance.

Do talk about how exciting the arrival of a new baby is.

Do ask about her significant other or partner if you know that there is a significant other/partner.

Do ask about the nursery and other such details.

Feel free to ask her how she is feeling.

Feel even more free to tell a pregnant runner that running during pregnancy is awesome because it totally is.

Go ahead and laugh with her about food cravings.  Trying to order pineapple, jalapenos and peanut butter on a burger has a degree of humor to it.

Do ask and laugh about pregnancy-brain- a very real phenomenon.

Do talk about fun her maternity leave will be.

Youth Get it Right:

Despite their relatively few years in our society, the youth that I work with organically got pregnancy etiquette just right.

When I reveal my pregnancy, the universal youth response is “Aw! Cute!” Their universal response is never scary stories about someone’s terrible labour and delivery.

None of them try to touch my baby bump.  They do let out joyful exclamations when they see me wearing tighter shirts that show my belly.  They say that they love watching it grow.

They want to predict what my baby will be like and guess whether or not it will be a boy or a girl.  One youth even told my fortune using a crystal ball (ok, it was a spiderman rubber ball).  According to his ‘crystal ball’: my baby is a girl who will be nice like me.  She will not like running but will like swimming so I should make sure to buy her a splash pool for the backyard.

These youth want to help with naming the baby and have offered up such gems as: Ocean, Vegas, Dallas, Arial, Aurora, Zelda…

They offer their own sweet version of advice about labor- mostly involving having me avoid what they think is excessive pain.

So dear readers, you either now feel better equipped to speak with pregnant women or you now feel that I am rude.  Either way, I’ll continue on with my high-five baby bump rule.

Do YOU have anything you’d like to add to my etiquette list? Let me know!