This is a running commentary of the funniest moments of the summer training and racing season. We all pour a lot of time, blood, sweat and laundry into our training. Hopefully minimal tears. My “we” is my training group under coach Lee that numbers many on email list and 20+ per practice. Appreciating the most comedic moments is an important ingredient in the recipe to enjoying this sport for the long haul.
1.The muffin shirt.
Before the Lunenburg 5km Road Race, I received this amazing text from my sister about race registration:
The Running Muffin shirt was absolutely necessary.
2. The pre-5km routine.
The Lunenburg 5km provided some good laughs. Four of us drove down together in Lee’s car including my sister and I and we met about 10 more teammates there. We were all going through the motions of warm-up together as we approached the 9:30 gun start. Lee’s car was the home base and we were all systematically making a huge pre-race mess inside it as we spread out clothing, shed clothing etc. I approached the car to take off my last shirt. Kristen was already at the car. It was 9:23am. She was eating a Cliff bar. Seven minutes before the race. A 5km race: the most searing road distance of them all. Coach Lee walked up to car too at this moment and took a look at Kristen:
“What are you doing?!” He says.
“I’m eating a Cliff Bar,” she says simply.
“Jesus. It’s a Cliff Bar!”
“I’m only eating half of it,” Kristen says matter of factly, as if this is totally normal pre-race behavior. Because it is for her.
I have a good laugh and line up happily. Teammate Clint, who is over 6 feet tall and strong and muscular tells me that he’s going to tuck in behind me to draft off me. I would have to eat many more Cliff Bars to help him out with that. Kristen runs really well. Maybe she should always eat a Cliff Bar at T-7 minutes.
3. The plyos
In June, Lee decides that we are going to begin doing a plyometric routine (jump drills) after all our workouts. Probably because he’s tired of us not listening to him and not doing them on our own. So we start, in a circle, led by our youngest guys. One of our teammates’ reputation for drills is amusing. He tries hard. Decades of miles, muscle tightness, inflexibility and all that. Another guy and I are next to him, watching him.
“Hmm,” says training partner, in observation, “Like a walrus.”
Plyos might kick my post-workout butt but they continue to at provide entertainment.
4. The hungry running shorts/legs/shorts
Last year, both my sisters and I ran the Nashville Country Music Marathon together. I finally and happily got to see my sister Laura on a long out and back when I was at mile 25 and she was at mile 20. Laura looked jubilant and was laughing. Later, she said that she was laughing because her thighs ate her shorts many miles before mile 20. Her hypoxic brain found this hilarious for many miles.
This year, Kristen and I ran Boston Marathon. Kristen required some first aid at the 24 degree warm finish line because her shorts had chafed her legs until they bled. Of course the First Aider was a very attractive fireman.
Then we had this hilarious sister-running conversation whilst running about shorts eating legs. Or did legs eat shorts? What ate what? Are these all Lululemon shorts? Do Laura’s legs eat shorts but Kristen’s shorts eat legs?
Bottom line: neither shorts nor legs should be hungry in a marathon.
5. The sweat attack
Summer training means being hot. Most of my training group trains in sports bra (girls) and bare chest (dudes). Sometimes it’s doesn’t feel so warm at the start of the workout so we start clothed and strip down during a rest interval.
Sidebar: three of the girls who I coach ran by my group twice on a Saturday morning and remarked afterwards about how fierce we all looked. I think what they meant was: almost naked.
Back to funny: my training team has 5 pace groups and if we are training on the punishment loop Gazebo Loop along the base of Point Pleasant Park, we will pass each other’s groups many times. On this night, my group stripped down to sports bras mid-workout. Just as the shirtless lead guys were passing us.
“Eeew!” Morgan yelled, “Graeme just sweat on my chest (while running by)!”
Sometimes funny moments happen mid-workout but we are working so hard and the rest is so short that you don’t get to laugh in the moment. So I had to laugh at this after the workout ended.
Sports-bra clad runners must beware the bare-chested sweat attackers on the Punishment Loop.
6. Unpredictable summer race woes: the heat
Summer is hot. Races occur in summer. Ergo, summer races are hot. The unpredictability of summer heat can cause some race woe.
At the beginning of July, one teammate returned from a race while on vacation in the southern USA. It was holy-hot out there. Teammate is complaining about the heat: 36 degrees at 6:30am. Coach Lee shows up and asks him how the race was.
“28 minutes” teammate says (for 4 miles).
“Ouch.” Lee winces.
We all laugh. I love that there’s no sugar coating. There’s nothing wrong with a 28 minute 4 mile race but this guy is fast.
The heat will eat your performance.
Same night, another teammate is back from Boston 10km race. We like to keep tabs on each other while away racing so I had already looked up his results: 39:xx. That’s a great time for a mere mortal but it’s not on par with this fast guy’s ability.
“Tough day at the office in Boston?” I ask him.
“It was 33 degrees during the race.”
“OMG,” I say. I lived in Boston for almost 3 years. “That city is brutal in the heat. You can, like, fry an egg on the road.”
“It was bad. You have no idea,” he says. “Funny you should mention eggs. I got passed with 1km to go. By a girl dressed as a strip of bacon.”
This:
We have 5 minutes to go till the start of the our workout. Me: bent over laughing. Him: shaking head and saying that I can’t have the photo.
The heat will eat your performance. So will a teenage girl in a bacon costume.
7. The shorty short shorts
As previously covered: summer, hot, short shorts.
On Highland Games weekend in Antigonish, a total of 18 of us runners went down to run the 5 miler and many ran the elite mile the next day. Most of us stayed together, a combo of camping and large family home. My kids were along for the fun as husband was away.
My kids and I walked into the family home after one of the races and the youngest guys were sitting around the kitchen table. One was still wearing his very shorty-short-slit racing shorts. And nothing else. No shirt, no socks, no shoes.
My 4-year-old walked right up to him:
“Why are you naked inside Lee’s house?” she demands.
“I’m not naked.”
“Yes, you are. Why are you naked?”
“I’m wearing shorts.”
“Those aren’t shorts.”
“Yes, these are shorts.”
She was having none of it. This was a runner and he was naked.
Next week at practice, when he showed up wearing the same shorty short shorts, I made sure to ask him why he was naked.
But seriously, the fans love to comment on this guy. See this fan mail from after the July 1 Epic Canadian race:
Keep wearing your short shorts, Nick!
8. The Pylon
Fact: out-and-back races have a pylon which marks the turnaround point and the racer must run around this pylon.
After an awesome race at the Antigonish 5-miler in early July, I decide that I’m going to go home to PEI the next weekend with my sister, Kristen, to race 10km. I talk to coach about a race plan. This race is an out-and-back like my last 3 races. He tells me that I have to do a better job executing the pylon turnaround because I am losing too many seconds at the turnaround.
“Do not lose 8 seconds again.” he tells me.
“Yes, I’m not very good at this,” I say.
“No, you are actually really bad at it.” Telling it like it is.
As we we’re driving to race, I tell Kristen that I was going to kill the pylon turnaround. Then I told her that I was going to do it like a suicide drill in basketball. Then I say that I hope I don’t fall down at the pylon. Probably I will knock the pylon over.
Kristen says for God’s sake, don’t fall down. And don’t the knock the pylon over either because if I do that, I will start laughing and lose more than 8 seconds.
Oh, but I’m laughing already. Which leads us to #9:
9. The Racing Giggles
My PEI Cox and Palmer race turns out to be full of laughs. I started out with an old university friend who I am always happy to see at a PEI Roadrunners race. As we approached the 2.5km water stop on this very hot day, the volunteers weren’t holding the water cups out. The cups were just set out on table. So together, buddy and I reach for a cup each to dump over heads. At our speed of about 3:55/km, the pair of us simultaneously pretty much knock all the cups on the table over in the process. Though I get a cup to dump on me, I also get the giggles a bit. My friend apologizes to the volunteers for us.
I approach the pylon at the 5km mark. This race is now very lonely. I am closing the gap on the guy in 5th place and there’s no one else in sight. But the pylon is in sight. A cheesy Western soundtrack plays in my head: you know the music when the cowboy sees the bad guy in the desert. I feel ready to kill the pylon but that thought makes me want to giggle. The soundtrack isn’t helping laughing matters. I must yell at self in head to focus and stop effing a
round with giggle thoughts. En route to a PB of 39:42, my pylon split was my slowest of the day at 4:01 but it feels like somewhat better pylon execution: I didn’t knock it over. There was a risk of a giggle fit but I subverted that. I didn’t lose 8 seconds. Coach approves though remains doubtful about the basketball suicide plan.
After the race, another PEI buddy was complaining to Kristen that there was no water at the water station and she bursts out laughing knowing that it was me who knocked all the water over. Then five minutes later, she busts up laughing again and spits her Gatorade out in the process. Thankfully, other PEI buddy clarifies that he was talking about no water stop at all at the 5km turnaround. But Jennie did remark that it was weird that the volunteers were furiously pouring water 2 minutes behind me.
10. Racing “Support”
The last race of the month of July is the Barrington Passage race weekend. I’m not running but my sister is.
I get an email from a training teammate telling me to tell sister that he will be on the bike for the course so make sure Kristen knows to just ask him for water, Gatorade, gels etc.
I say that this is very nice. Kristen is doing 10km so she won’t need any fuelling support. But probably, I’m going to need you to say a few things to her during the race for me. I send our friend 3 choice messages for different parts of the race.
Kristen sees friend at the 5km turnaround (which I hope she used the basketball-suicide-drill strategy for).
“Erin says to run faster!!” friend yells at her.
And here she is, running faster!
That’s a wrap for June and July.
May August be amusing too.
