Managing a Road with Setbacks

This is a collection of thoughts written over a two-week period, initially as coping: as part of my “don’t flip out” goal. The conclusion to this story is waiting at the finish line of California International Marathon on Dec 4, 2016.

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Injury: Injury is damage to the body. This may be caused by accidents, falls, hits, weapons, and other causes (Wikipedia)

Accident: an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury (Wikipedia)

Callaghan sister: prone to accidents resulting in injury on account of clumsiness and bad luck (Erin)

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Less than 6 weeks out from a marathon that I’ve been dreaming about crushing since April when I was robbed of a big PB at Boston on account of the heat.  Everything on track. Closed the best summer 5/10km season of my life. PB in the half marathon. Killing it with training and 90+km weeks. Nail a 1:27:03, half marathon without even trying for a PB, just running as hard and as fast as I can in the middle of a block of 90+km weeks.

Enter being a Callaghan sister: injury and accident.

I try to preach positivity to all around me.  I do with the runners I coach. With my training partners. It’s my professional job: “how are you taking care of yourself? What do you know about yourself that tells you that you will get through this?”  I say those lines 10 times/day with young clients. Now it’s my turn. I will say it to myself.

Tonight, I took care of myself with a long shower followed by a long rock and cuddle with my toddler and then a long evening with red wine on the couch, in front of the fire.  I wrote this to cope.

I’ve been killing it with training but the setbacks are now big.

On Friday mornings, I meet a training partner, Linda, at the Commons at 5:15am and we run 13km.  So that’s what I did Friday, October 21.  We had a really great 13km run, me getting home on time at 6:15am. I was wearing brand new (free) socks from Hashem. I went upstairs to get my 2 year old son from his crib as husband said he was awake and didn’t want to get up with Daddy, only mama.

I carried my child down stairs. But my new socks were unknowingly slippery.  On the second last stair, I slipped and my feet came out from under me. I fell backwards down the last two stairs, carrying my big toddler. When you fall with your child in your arms, you protect them at all cost. My son never hit the stairs, I fell with all our weight on my butt/low back. It was bad and I knew it immediately.  My child is screaming because it was scary. Husband came to get him. My preschooler daughter burst out of her room. My inlaws, in town on vacation, were sleeping in the basement and the noise roused them.  

I stood up and I guess stood at bottom of stairs for a few minutes, took 2 steps them fainted. 

I wake up on floor, kids crying because they are scared, Husband yelling at me to wake up, his parents are running around, it’s a big scene.  I hit my head when I fainted.

Initially I thought that I might run my 34km long run with pace work on Sunday. But coach says no running:  0km allowed over weekend and in fact, Monday would be a rest day too.  My husband is pleased with this: “that’s what I wanted him to say and knew that he would say. That’s why we pay him almost no money (lol).”

I have head symptoms over the weekend: headache, some waves of dizziness and nausea. Monday came and I still had a headache. I get medical care. Diagnosis: mild concussion. No running until 24 hours symptoms free. Only light runs to start.  I don’t get to run on Tuesday.

Medically, I am cleared to run easy on Wednesday.  Coach Lee was already all over that, “you may do an easy run but you’re not going to be running the workout.”

My head was fine which is a huge relief. My sacrum, the bone I landed on, was not fine. I ran 10km, with it hurting with each stride. I ran to the Commons where my team, Halifax Road Hammers, were practicing. I arrived after the workout started on purpose so as to not field a huge number of questions about how I was doing from my wonderful and caring training partners.

I told Lee that my head was fine. My back was not.

He says, “Then you can’t run.”

I argue. I say that I can’t do that. My sacrum might hurt for 4 weeks. It’s bone pain. I say that I am about to freak the flip out about our marathon in 5.5 weeks. I flip out with 5 weeks to go in a normal cycle because it suddenly feels too close and too soon and I like the marathon way better when it’s 3 months away and I have lots of time to train and prepare. I argue some more and I’m upset.

Lee doesn’t back down. Runners finish a mile repeat and he says we’ll talk about when the next one starts. I need this brief reprieve. Runners get out for the next interval. He explains things calmly and logically. I can’t run on this injury. I can’t risk injuring other body parts as result of compensation for this injury. We don’t go down that road. We don’t show up to a marathon start line like that. There’s time. Of course I know that he’s right.  We talk about a chiropractor that he wants me to see.  “Let’s do this day by day,” he says. “You let me worry about the fitness. Just let it heal.”

So there’s no running for now. This is what it is. This is a traumatic injury that needs to heal.  I bolt out of practice before I have to talk to anyone else.

I take my moment of being sad and I let myself have it.

Thursday, October 27

I go back and thank Lee for the talk: for being right and for not backing down.  I know that I am currently a lot of work for him.

The other setback: I also have a child birth-related pelvic floor injury that is going to require surgical repair.  I don’t know yet exactly what that will mean for my future and running fast or running marathons.  It’s been particularly a problem with this marathon training cycle.

My coach has known about this problem since the spring as it has been limiting training like downhill repeats.  He had been aware that I am waiting on a specialist appointment but I avoided telling him how bad it was for the first 4 weeks of this marathon build. I don’t even know why I did that. Something about saying it out loud making it real. When I finally was open about all the details, it was a huge relief to not have to manage it alone.  He immediately made some changes to my training to protect the injury and manage the pain.  These are changes I wasn’t happy about because I didn’t want to be limited and I wanted to be doing the same thing as everyone else. But I was already limited. I could see it and I knew that he was right. The changes have let me run and train up until this point.

“She Believed She Could so She Did.”

The marathoner’s road can be hard.  But, like life, even when it’s at it’s hardest, the road is still what you make of it. I can still run a PB race in California.  It may not be the one that I thought it would be 2 weeks ago. But it will still be a PB.  I need to believe that I can so that I can.

And it’s only running. I care for so many young people with so many problems that seem insurmountable in the moment yet I know that I will get to see them walk across the stage this year or next as a high school graduate and I will be filled with pride that I knew them for a brief moment on their journey.  Mostly, I won’t even talk to them on their graduation day as that’s their happy day and their time with me often represents their harder(est) days. They would kill for their only problem to come in increments of minutes in a road race.

My own child is ok. The concussion healed. It’s only running.  I believe that I can so I can.

Friday, October 28

Still not running.

Working on my job to stay positive and confident. My race is now dependent on my mental fitness. I know the physical fitness is waiting. It’s on pause. It’s all there.

My own coached athlete Morgan has been aware of my fall and threw some of my own words back at me today after reaching out to ask how I was doing.  She was also injured with a non-running trauma-type thing before her goal race.  And damn, I said some good things to her!  I am saying these things about mental fitness to myself.

My race will be as good as my mental fitness, my positivity and my confidence is.

Monday, October 31

Test run of 5km. Pain. Fail.

Try to starve off despair.

We Mama-Runners bear a lot.  Being a mother-runner didn’t cause this chain of events but it set it up to happen. I set my alarm for 5:00am and leave the house by 5:07am because I am a busy mother. My son was waiting for me in his crib because I am the mama. I was wearing free socks because I have my mind on other family things to spend money on. My child-birth injury, obviously, is from childbirth because I am a mother.

I would have my children a million-trillion times over, no matter what.  Despair is gone.

Wednesday, November 2

See new chiropractor. Permission to run today granted by coach revoked by chiropractor. But positive news gained about healing. Maybe return to running Friday if he gives green light.  Attend running practice even though not running due to group photo and spirits buoyed by support and proximity to loved training partners.

Saturday, November 5

Green light to run from chiropractor. This guy, Dr. Richard Thompson, has been treating a number of my Road Hammer teammates. It’s possible that he’s magic. Friday 30 minutes is ok. There’s bone pain left but it is less. I talk with coach about Saturday, insisting that he let me come to the workout with the group and run the extended warm-up together with everyone instead of his safer, flatter solo option close to home. I feel like he’s the dad and I’m a child who is grounded, begging for the grounding to end. I quickly end the conversation when he grants permission for warm-up together, lest he change his mind.  He laughs about this Saturday morning: he had my number when I hung up on him.

Saturday is the run I’ve been waiting and praying for. It’s 8km of good. I happily accept my teammates’ hugs afterwards.

Now I get on with my job of believing that I can.